11 March, 2015

My Life...Until Today

The story of my life as it is until now:

Sexual abuse that i was exposed throughout my childhood and youth:

The first trauma was when i was 4 or so years old, when my parents shared the large apartment inside door (split in 2 separate apartments or units ) with  the 2 women living together in one unit, one much younger then the other;my parents with me and my brother living in the other unit. With the parents working, we were latchkey children...he allowed the older woman to unlock that door from time to time and check up on us.

It so happened that the younger of the two women had apparently, the unresolved issue with my father, where he allegedly refused, or so she thought, to have sex with her, the facts i found about during my abuse.

So one day, when we were to have the afternoon nap, she entered our side of apartment with the old lady she lived with, the older lady put us into our beds for the nap, the younger came to my bed, all the while the older stood at the room door, leaning on one side, watching.

The younger woman uncovered my bedding, started touching my body, all the way speaking in the loud and rude manner: '' what, you don't like this, you are so beautiful, your father will see what i can do to his daughter when he does not want me to show what i can do to him...he does not want me than  you can tell him...the older woman did not interfere at all, she just said repeatedly: ''come on, leave her alone, she is not to  blame''...and the one abusing me replied: ''so what? so what? leave me alone, go away? I never told anyone.

I was scared, utterly traumatized, I forgot the whole ordeal until the age 40 and something, where i started remembering upon turning myself to Evangelical religious denomination ( which i am not a part of now), when almost all of my memories returned.

At age of 5 more or less. We came to live in a new, you can say it was a size of a larger town, where almost all people were Catholics. We had a nanny taking care of the  house and us children.
That night my parents were somewhere out for the evening.
The nanny let 3 young adult males in..they came to the room we were put to sleep, it was already dark.
One of them came to my bed, saying how beautiful I was, opened my bedding and started touching me, while the other came to him pulling him back to stop.
I remember i was so scared of him trying to pull my pajamas off, i was just repeting: ''please do not touch me, i am just a little girl"...amazingly the nanny came into the room and took my brother and said: ''i am taking this child ( my brother), you will not touch him, he is mine..''
It so happened that the 3rd one took the framed photo of me as a baby that was  hanging on the wall and started doing something with his private part that i now know is the masturbation.
My parents knocked at the entrance door for the long time as my mother told me years later, them had forgotten their keys earlier that evening, the nanny allegedly saying she did not hear because she took a nap after ''i put the children into the bed(s).''

 The nanny came into the room and told those males they were to escape. One of them however stood and waited for my father to come. He did not want to escape.

My father came ...asked him what he was doing there...The  man was angry and he cursed my father, because he said, my father married Serbian out of  ''Serbian swine stock/kind'', that: ''  ruined Croatian people''; he then cursed me saying i will be f..... by the swines like ''you and your wife are'', and that i, ''beautiful as she is will be a f... by the rats in the cave, like the rats you, her parents are.''

My father was petrified. He did not even look how i was. He never told anything to my mother. Ever. He never talked about it with me. Ever. 

What i remember: i was on the kitchen floor, my father trying to put his penis in my mouth. I was almost 11 years old. My mother was working, he was at home.
 My brother comes in..i just remember him trying to penetrate me and he could not so he chocked me with his hands around my neck which was supposed to make him able to penetrate  me; after i un-clutched from him screeming...
He came to my  brother that commented what he saw as to: ''Mina and daddy are like husband and wife, unto what the father got up because i was already  out of his reach, came to my little brother and said '' i am sick of you all, you are in my nose, you are in my nose ( ''u nosu ste mi''), then to him: '' i will cum into your nostrils", ( ''svrsit cu ti u nosnice ''), taking his face into his hand, pointing to his little nose and forcing him to look straight in his face up; then he forced him to bring the table to the corner and to step up on it, looking at the corner as his punishment.
I ran out downstairs the building (we lived at the 2nd floor),  to the neighbor i do not want to name, because i have not seen them for ages, and also i do not have their permission...anyhow, after screaming, persuading and pleading, i was panic stricken i asked  them to please come upstairs with me...help me because i do not know what he would do to my brother; so i came back because of my little brother; they told me to go upstairs, they would see what they could do. They clearly did not believe me much at all but i was panick stricken so i guess they decided to send their son and he was supposed to check the situation.

(After coming back) i was caught back.
It is when i fell on the floor... my brother, seeing what happened, climbed down the table he was punished to stand on, he than came and jumped on my father's foot and ran back on the table..During the upcoming course of events,  the crack of my biological father started masturbating, because he seemed to have wanted to manifest his fatherly conduct firmly by finishing what he had begun with.
He cought me, forced me on the ground by the means of his fist,  opened my mouth with the hand, and when he cold not because i summoned the whole life in refusing to open my mouth,  he then clised my nostrils to prevent me from breathing so that i  would open my mouthme  to have his penis into my mouth...i was shaking my head left and right as much as i could...he then  started having an orgasm  on my face and i remember my eye, which is what the man that i called earlier for help saw,  entering the apartment

 When the man came in,  he put my father on the table and started kicking him with his hands, he forced him to lean, so that the father fell on his knees, butt up, he put the wooden chair leg into the father's ass telling him if he ever heard or saw that ''you do this to anyone else, i will personally come for you'';  he was out of himself,...all the while i was cheering; ''hit him, hit him, hit him ''

When his wife came, my father's head was bleeding...she did something and helped him, persuaded her husband not to call the police ...

After they left, the father told me and my brother to not dare telling anything to the mother and to pretend we were ok...he said: 
 ''we are now family like the everyone else, and we will have our lunch like nothing happened'' It is what happened.

After the lunch which is here called dinner, i was to clean the table, everyone left it except the father.  
I said: " Daddy i cried the plate/soup of tears for you, please be good with us" (tata isplakala sam i isplakat  cu juhu suza za tebe samo budi dobar sa nama").

He replied: ''here is my peace of shit in your plate of tears, you can eat it 
(''evo ti moje govno u juhi od suza jedi ga skupa sa juhom'') and with this he threw something black into my plate filled with the soup i could not eat.

Years later, my mother noticed a cut on his skull, and was surprised and asked him: "what is this cut i have never noticed it before?" and she told me, he allegedly said: " It is nothing i was forced to defend my life."
 These all happened when i I was around 10 years and 10 months when i lost my virginity by a 21 year old...and he found my bloody panties somewhere. Instead of defending me, going to the police investigating my ''boyfriend'' that was nothing but a pedophile, my father decided to add up to my already horrible experience.

My life spiraled downwards from there. I thought that making love to any man will make him or anyone for this matter love me.

After this i started to seek someone, anyone to love me out of my home the only way i knew how...thru sex. 

I was 15 when i was gang raped by,  who was 25 at the time.
I remember back home later  i stood at the window starring outside full 8 hours... my mother never asked me anything but how could i be so late...she had a job to do and that is to go to the town clinic to heal other people.

I was 10 1/2 when i was cheated into believing i was loved by a 21 year old. 
He took my virginity...where were my parents? When my father found my bloody panties he  raped me.

A child of 15...where were my educated parents then to teach me, and protect me? 

As a 6 years old we lived in the city named Kraljevica near Rijeka in Croatia.
 I remember i got a new red coat with the 2 rows of golden buttons. so i wanted to go out to show it and to play with other children. 
But the children of my age did not want to play with me; they called me ''the witch'' (stringa), because of my mother's nationality and her orthodox tradition no matter we were never religious on any side. 
What those children did was that they stoned me. They threw stones at me. They spat on me. They called me names. That was the first time ever i got down to play.
Just one boy came out [pretending he would be my friend and said he would play with me. When i accepted, he came to me, hugged me and spit into my face.We were all around 6 years old.

I remember when i was a 5th grader or so, my best school girl friend asked me to come to her birthdaay..i came there, gave my present to her mother who immediately threw it to the dogs, screaming on her daughter that she did not want whores and Serbian bitches  in her house...she threw  me outsaying there would be no birthday until i leave.
The guy mentioned above... offered himself to walk with me so that they would be sure i was gone
...he walked  some time and than said he would go back. No matter he saw what happened.
 The same boy later claimed he liked me. And i believed him.

There is more, much more;  i was just a puppet in the hands of evil, pure evil.

My healing started here some almost 16 years ago, by focusing on the parenting, abstaining from any sexual contact with any man whatsoever, all these years; researching, validating all my research, meditating, going to college, finding out about the holistic healing and similar experience of the diverse population here, especially the experiences and the healing practices of The First Nations...i am immensely grateful to all of you guys.

This is my first coming out only with a will and wish for my personal story to be a stronghold for all who suffer similar abuses.

You are not alone. 
You are here to be free individual, proud of who you are. 
Do not ever forget. 
 I forgave NOT to any of my abusers. 

Do not have ANY burden of any of those abusers on myself.

This is what i said and say and will always say to anyone that have ever abused me, any variation of me, any splice of me, any avatar of me  in any manner:

''I forgive you not. Never. Why? Because of all those who have suffered the similar fate. Both males and females. Victims of psychopaths, males and females.


In my case, when I was gang-raped at my 15 years of age,  they all or almost all were the seers, telepaths,  psychycs that, in my case travelled, payed money in order to rape me. 
Their names:
Eva Mratinic phd of Agriculture paid for my rape
Her brother, Veljko Mratinic, an  engeneer of agriculture, businessman now,said he prepared himself 2 days for the event...
Dragan Gane Glumicic ex boyfriend of Evica Mratinic graduate at Political Sciences with the major in Philosophy, that would later be even my Philosophy and sociology teacher.
Janos Karoly, Evica Mratinic's than boyfriend, a student at the university of Belgrade,
his brother Ferenc Karoly, originaly from Novi Becej, and
their father, an investigated pedophile, than in the police Lajos Karoly;
Tome Bjelis and his than friend Ante Prkacin.
Yes...to know that she paid for my rape is absolutely something....why?
Gane Glumicic was a seer and had a gift to project fear...his release was to have a sexual arousal while doing it. I was petrified of him ...he manifested the fear on me together with others when they all swirled me around kicking me and touching me.
When i moved to Novi Becej , i was attended 11th grade of the local grammar school, he asked me to remember him from Dubrovnik and  than said he grew moustaches because of me: He said: " if you remember me i'll give you a medal, and you know what ...you already earned your grade..with what i others did to you...but you do not remember me, because i gave you the suggestion to freeze. I even had my short friend Bela, remember, you will never guess who he was...Fuck you in your Croatian Catholic heritage...now my girl is your school friend she is a minor too, i will give her a suggestion  to keep my pubic hair in the match box...now i give you a suggestion to look at it.You are in the match box now..you can write this in your future post or article because i see  this in the 'astral' "   

 They almost all were all psychics, seers.
For those paying for my rape I was their sacrifice ritual. They planned  that  raping me would be a sacrifice that was to have brought them abundance...money...careers and such...well i guess they succeeded in raping me and about the rest they are all on the upper career and societal class level...

Just one of whom today is a politician. Ante Prkacin.
A 'friend' of my boyfriend who took the money and organized the rape. Not any psychic but than an  avarage brute, psychopathic male who said: ''we should have tricked her mother to come here and than rape them both, so that they can squeek as the pigs when we rape them as the pigs they are.''

He also told me while raping me: ''what do you think you are with you walking all important among us, working, poor people...you and your aristocracy between your legs ( ti i tvoj gospodski cilinder medju tvojim nogama) I hate you all ... '' 
''I am Ante, and my nick name is Prchko, not because of what i do to you but because of what my surname is.''

The Lajos Karoly, a policeman from Novi Becej, Vojvodina, now part of Serbia, came together with his both sons, one minor and one adult. Karoly ; ( he later during the 1980s worked in Osijek and was found a pedo material in his desk and was investigated for the pedophilia...he raped his than 16 years old daughter and both of his sons ) 

The two sons and the woman I had met in Dubrovnik the summer before, and was with all in friendly terms with...

Interesting thing that all of them were themselves the victims of rape and were hooked on AUDITING...
They talked about the "astral plane" and alegedly could go "up" and "talk" with each other...and some were natural remote viewers.
One of them was from Zajecar and went under the name Gogo and  is of gypsy origin; he knew him when we were children; then i was 7 1/2...he  was 6 and told us all there playing  that he was autistic..yea; he told  even than that he would help them rape me because he would be their friends. 
He even then as the 6 years old forcefully got my t-shirt of me and tied my hands up with a rope that he said he brought with him just because he knew i would be there ... so the little guy prepared just to check out how i would have looked as...he said i'd be 16 years old,  he missed a year, for i was 15...when the gang rape occured. Just a small coincidence that all of his brothers are remote viewers and seers and my all possible real estate that i among other would have gotten from my ancestors living there just across the street from them,  went to that family. And surprise, would they all not show up a year before my rape on my holiday in Dubrovnik when i had an "honor" to meet them.

Yes. They 'saw' it all before and came...that just happened to match with already seen possibility of them raping me; further on they payed money to my than ''boyfriend'' to do it. One of them was a planner of it all together with Evica Mratinic but he was nit there. He was changing his names. So i even today do not know his real name but he went with the false name Vlada Mihaljevic, before that he went under Zoran... he once said after them torturing me: i came in as Zoran and i come out as Vlada...but maybe i am Aleksander ...
I later found out that they planned this a year in advance.

It came out that the policeman raped his own daughter when she was 16.. and more over that me than in a hi school and my family lived in THEIR house that they gave to the  community for the family doctors that came and worked for the local medical clinic, that my mother was. After the story about him, the policeman, raping his minor daughter broke out, his wife left, and all charges denied by him and were not ''proven'' oficialy.
Twilight zone? OMG. 
I needed all those years to remember. And I did because one of them decided to talk...guilty conscience?
I had a total black...nothing about the half  of my life.

Life is what I claim. My life. This life. Life in peace, harmony, freedom and love. Life in the world of balance, tolerance, diversity.
Never allow yourself to be under any sugestion or in trance. WAKE UP.
Never forget. 
Forgive not...these kind of people can not pass... because if they do that would be the pass to abuse and torture as an allowed value of life. 
And it IS NOT.

Also, EDUCATION is of a crucial importance. 

About the women, about the sex, about the fact that a child CAN NOT have an adult friend. 
Because a friend is someone who is on the SAME mental and psychological level with the other one. 

AND about the fact that you should have, as an adult, the OBLIGATION to educate, defend your children, and if you are a witness as Mr Z. Gattin, phd of Agriculture was a witness of the incest on me, you should than have reported this and not hypnotised me at the age of 11 that I than was. 

Because he unknowingly came in order to give my little brother some chess material...yes and did not want to make waves. Was fresh out of the Sibir territory in then USSR, where he worked on his phd..

He locked himself in the bathroom on that occassion...after he ''talked'' to me; and my mother did not find this suspicious when she came from work and found him there in the bathroom locked from the outside where he had me lock him earlier. 

I additionaly, after being raped by my biological father, cooked a meal for the family, did not tell, and was asked by my mom: ''what is this white dirt in your hair?''

But my little brother knew all the time...beside those who really helped. Tony, the boy little older than me and his father, just the poor neighbours next door, that noone paid attention to...He once told me: ''Marina and I know the secret, just 2 of us know your life, do we? And i said: " What secret?"
And he said: " Marina, Marina, you forgot, how could you have forgetten?''
And it seems some other people knew more than I could have ever, as a child, assumed. 

A particular  lady from the neighbourhood  insisted that I had a secret
She said: ''you have an odd glare in your eyes that i cannot identify, can you tell me  who had  done this to you and why? Is it about a boy or is it something else?" 
And I just fealt uneasy and somewhat scared. She then  told me: ''Marina has a secret and we do not know what it is..but you will beat them all up/win one day, I know; until than, be silent, tell no one. Because you have friends in your head, and the real friends show up when you need them. Remember that I did not tell you this, but the friend in your head.'' 
What did she know? Who told her? The friend in her head?

Furtheron, it summerizes only A PART of my tragic personal life story that, in content, shows how many people can manipulate only a small child that I was at times of my abuse and also how many of them can be held accountable when the time of this comes or not, it is not of my choosing, but of the men and women of the world that it comes to pass that WE THE PEOPLE may choose the ways of conduct that appropriates and reciprocates the doings and wrong doings of those perpetrators of crimes against humaniy. 


 However, this truth may be told in a way of distinct formality, but i have chosen to tell it in this simplistic language, as to summarise the feelings and the thoughts of me as i was then, and understood by me  somewhat the individual i am today. 
This post can not be copied ror used without permission.

Further, this post cannot be validated by court order of ANY kindThis post represents a witnessing of my personal life story and it can not be used in any validation of any claim, any witnessing account ever anywhere.